Google Car Inspires The Headlines of Tomorrow
May 21, 2012 at 11:28 am By Peter Richards | Posted in Industry Update
Hasslehoff Demands End to Self Driving Car Manufacture
August 8th 2021
Former talent judge and televisual lifeguard David Hasselhoff, 69, spoke out yesterday against the increasing automation of American roads.
"Why does anyone think this is a good idea?" exclaimed an exasperated Hoff. "Seriously, I thought our warning was obvious. Automate the roads and you'll get pushed around by some jumped-up C3PO in your dashboard", he continued: "Look, I know Knight Rider was interpreted as a light-hearted, campy 80s romp, but under the hair and the synth pop it was a grave warning of our incapacitation at the hands of the machines we created without thinking about the repercussions of our actions. What I'm trying to say is that Knight Rider was sort of like 1984 crossed with 2001."
"3985, perhaps."
"A Knight Rider, yesterday."
Automated White Vans Wreak Havoc on British Roads
October 14th 2031
Once known as the 'White Van Man', he was the most feared driver on the roads of pre-triple-recessionary Britain. But the miracle of van automation promised to tame this rude beast. But did it succeed? The Freight Transport Association (FTA) has published a damning report suggesting that not only are the country's 2 million automated white vans involved in twice as many accidents as any other automated vehicle, but that the situation may actually be getting worse.
"We just don't understand it" said a representative from Ford's engineering department "We sell self-driving Transits in a wide range of colours without problem, but as soon as you slap white paint on one it's all up in your bumpers, flashing you at junctions, cutting you up on dual carriageways".
Shortly after the publication of the FTA's report, a spokesperson for the Retirement Home for Millennial Comedians made a statement expressing its residents' regret at past sketches involving White Van Men, saying "It is clear to us now that these individuals were captives of innately evil machines and that our comments weren't entirely constructive".
"White Van Men may have reformed their ways, but their self-driving vans remain"
Skoda Favorit to Secure Presidency?
May 4th 2072
And so it has happened, but not as vintage motion picture makers predicted. Sentient automobiles haven't achieved global domination by hijacking our computer networks, by disguising themselves as household miscellanea or by subjecting us to a nuclear holocaust: according to the polls, the machines will subjugate us by winning us over at the ballot box.
Among the front-runners in this year's American elections is Skoda Favorit, the not especially attractive face of a functional, efficient new politics - a no-nonsense veteran of World War IV and a descendant of Czechoslovakian immigrants, his hard-nosed approach has been crucial in televised debates and voters - human and automotive - are apparently behind his vision for an America free of rising unemployment and stolen hubcaps.
"We're just tired of the same old promises" answered one anonymous voter when asked why she would be voting for Favorit "When Skoda Favorit says he'll drive this country forward, I believe him. I mean, he's a car. He can literally drive me places".
"Work is already underway to adapt the Capitol building for vehicular politics. In the meantime, sessions are held in a nearby parking lot."
